Black Mirror
by Psycho Sombrero
Summary: Yuki’s life reaches a breaking point, and he finds a distorted comfort in Shigure. Kyo pieces things together after finding Yuki in a towel, and he doesn’t like what’s going on. yaoi, angst, bits of yukixshigure, ultimately yukiXkyo
1. The way things were

**Summary: Yuki's life reaches a breaking point, and he finds a distorted comfort in Shigure. Kyo pieces things together after finding Yuki in a towel, and he doesn't like what's going on. yaoi, bits of yukixshigure, ultimately yukiXkyo**

**What gave me the idea for this fic, you ask? I have no idea. Thought of it whilst washing windows and getting high from cleaning product yesterday. I plan on it being short, maybe five chapters at the most, but look at how long Old Awakenings and New Beginnings turned out, so who knows. **

**Please review and please enjoy! (Oh, and the line of zeros mean I'm separating parts of the chapter. Usually POV's are changing. Like right now, it means my A.N. is over.) **

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What had compelled me to do it, I'll never be sure. I might have just been rebelling against Akito's usual denial of relationships for members of the zodiac. There may have been a point where I had feelings for him, I don't know. There might have been a time that I was really interested in him. But all of it was muddled into something worse, something _wrong_. Before I knew it, I was relying on his harsh touch, on his forceful movements, on him _using_ me. I feel ashamed of the whole thing now, but then…at that time, I _needed_ him to use me. I felt like a toy, and I had this sick want to be _treated_ like a one. Maybe I was trying to confirm the fact that I was just a tool. But even then, that would be an incredibly outlandish reason to go along with everything.

The worst part is, I couldn't even really see how dirty the whole thing was until someone else saw us and pointed out everything that was wrong with it. Well, somewhere in me, I could see it, but I wouldn't really let myself acknowledge it.

The whole thing started getting out of control at some point. If Kyo hadn't saved me, I have no idea how long I would have let it go on. Or Shigure. I wonder when he would've reached a stopping point…When I was with Shigure, I never had any dignity, but then that meant that I didn't have to keep up a sense of pride that I never had. In that twisted sense, he was my safe place.

Things never got _so_ out of control. He wasn't _beating_ me. He wasn't really _forcing_ me to have sex with him. It was all my decision, ultimately. I got myself into the whole mess.

I'll never be proud of it, but…I _needed_ him there. He might have even saved my sanity at the time. But it all came down to that one night when Kyo figured everything out.

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It was two in the morning, going on three. Sleep couldn't find Kyo. He hated it when he couldn't sleep by this time. It gave him a sinking feeling that he wouldn't sleep at all, and he knew he'd be tired the next day. Maybe he would skip school tomorrow. Pretend to be sick…no, he couldn't do that. He'd fall behind on schoolwork. He snorted to himself. As if he wasn't already behind enough! Besides, it would worry Tohru too much. He loved Tohru like a sister, but for the life of him, he couldn't figure out why she worried about him so much. He didn't find himself very worry-worthy.

He could hear noises coming from Shigure's room, not too far from his. What the hell was he doing, making so much noise, up there?! Whenever he stayed up past his usual, he would hear the oddest things…He couldn't sleep, not with that damned dog making so much noise. He decided to go down to the kitchen and eat something. He hadn't eaten any dinner, and he was hungry.

Kyo noticed the noises ceasing, but he was still hungry, so he went to the kitchen.

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Afterwards, I always felt disgusting.

It was a horrible feeling. He would lie there next to me, and I would wonder what he was thinking sometimes. It wouldn't be long before I couldn't stand being near him anymore and had to dress myself and get back to my room. This time was different, though. He had been turned on his left side, me on my right, both of us facing different directions. He casually turned over to his right side and wrapped his arm around my torso. Even though we were doing _other_ things, he rarely held me. Holding each other was something that people who were _really_ together did. Not just people who were using one another.

"What are you doing?" I muttered, pretending to be half-asleep. I really was tired, but my senses were still keen. I wasn't used to being touched. Not so gently.

"Making sure you come back tomorrow night. You seem like the type who would want to 'cuddle' afterwards," he said with a hint of laughter in his voice.

"I don't want any of that, get off me," I said coldly, throwing his arm off.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to embarrass you," he apologized, most likely knowing that would only provoke me more. I chose to ignore it and just lay there. I had no idea why I kept doing this. It was just like nothing mattered anymore.

"I feel so sorry for you," he murmured, close to my ear.

"And why is that?" I questioned.

"Loving someone like me…" he laughed just a little bit.

"I don't love you," I stated plainly. "That's not what this is about."

"Really, now?" he put his arm back around my torso, and placed his neck in the crook between my head and my shoulder. "What ever happened to what you said that first night?"

"Don't tell me _you're_ taking this seriously," I said, dodging his question.

"Of course not. But that's irrelevant, I haven't ever taken _anything_ seriously."

"Of _course_," I agreed, rolling my eyes.

"Do you not mean it anymore, though?"

"I never meant it to begin with."

"You're either a liar or a little whore, Yun-Yun," he said, chuckling. I looked back at him. He had that smile on his face that was saying "I know this is making you mad, but let's just see how you react."

It bothered me that he had called me "Yun-Yun" more than that he had called me "whore". He wasn't a very nice man, it wasn't the first time he'd called me a whore.

"I'm done here," I decided, once again removing his arm. I scanned the floor for my pants before sliding out from under the sheets.

"I'm sorry," he apologized, though he was obviously _not_ sorry. "Did I get too rude for your tastes?"

"Yeah, right. I put up with worse from you," I snorted.

"Hmm, and why is that, my dearest Yuki? Why _do_ you keep coming back?" he asked, with what almost sounded like sincere curiosity.

"Don't ask me," I muttered, fumbling with the zipper on my pants.

"I'm not going to have to start _paying_ for your services, am I?"

"If you're really want me to come back, stop treating me like your bitch," I advised, trying to make out something that might have been my shirt through the darkness.

"But isn't that what you've been coming for?" he asked mischievously, propping his arm up by his elbow and laying his head in his palm.

I couldn't answer that. Screw my shirt, I decided, I was dressed enough to make it back to my room. I left Shigure's room and shut the door without another word.

I decided to go take a shower. I still felt icky.

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Kyo looked at the kitchen clock. It was three-thirty. He anxiously munched on the sloppy sandwich he had made. He certainly wasn't going to get much sleep that night, if any at all. Finishing his sandwich, he made his way back over to the fridge. Tohru had said once that milk helped you get to sleep. He carelessly pulled a quart out and drank straight from the carton.

He could hear water going through the pipes. Who the hell was taking a shower at three am?

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Yuki made the water hot. _Scalding_ hot, almost. The initial sting didn't last long before it felt calming and relaxing. Yuki was aware that hot water was best for disinfecting things and overall for getting cleaner. He wanted to cleanse himself as much as possible.

He pumped out some shampoo on his hand and ran it through his hair. He ended up scrubbing more intently than he had planned. He tried to relax and clear his mind. His attempts were futile.

"_But isn't that what you've been coming for?"_

Yuki didn't know why he'd been going to Shigure. No matter what reasons he let himself slightly muse on, he couldn't find one that didn't make him feel dirty and disgusting. And that was exactly why he never let himself think about it.

While he had to wonder how his life was coming down to this, he really didn't care anymore. Nearly everything in him was hollowed by now. He noticed the soap was no longer running from his hair. How long had he been standing under the running water? Long enough, he decided, twisting the shower knob, feeling the water go cold for a moment and then the complete loss of the water pressure. He pulled the curtain back, grabbed the towel he had carelessly thrown on the countertop, and loosely tied it around his waist. He grabbed a comb and ran it through hair to wring some of the water out, and let his body air dry for a few moments.

He looked at the clock on the wall. Damn, it was late…and yet, he was hungry. He decided to remain in his towel rather than going through the hassle of putting his pants back on. He found the zipper on that particular pair incredibly tricky…It was going on four, anyway. No one else would be up around this time. _He_ wouldn't have been up except for…well, he didn't feel like thinking about _that_ anymore.

Yuki went down the stairs and made his way into the kitchen. He went over to the fridge, not bothering to take in his surroundings. He was quite startled to turn around and see Kyo sitting there. Kyo, however, was more startled at his own reaction to seeing his cousin in a towel, and his conclusion as to what the noises in Shigure's room were.

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Do you want more? It's not very good, I honestly don't blame you if you don't. But puh-leaze review and let me know if you want more. I may not continue with this one…

—Psycho.


	2. Explain

Chapter two

**Hey, guess what?! Black Mirror's been added to a C2 archive—"Awesomely Awesome Stories"! I'm incredibly honored, thank you so much, Grammatical Dictator! I'll be honest, I didn't proofread this chapter much, please forgive any mistakes you may see. **

**Here's chapter two. I'm not fond of long recaps, so I'm just going to include the last sentence or paragraph from the previous chapter. Also, big thanks to the folks who reviewed and/or added this to their alerts or favorites! Please review and please enjoy! **

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Yuki went down the stairs and made his way into the kitchen. He went over to the fridge, not bothering to take in his surroundings. He was quite startled to turn around and see Kyo sitting there. Kyo, however, was more startled at his own reaction to seeing his cousin in a towel, and his conclusion as to what the noises in Shigure's room were.

Kyo, usually being the one to spastically speak up in awkward situations, remained silent.

"Um…what are you doing still up?" Yuki asked, deciding to be the one to break the silence.

"Eating. A sandwich." Kyo replied blankly. He wondered if his cousin was feigning an air of nonchalance to the fact that he was in a towel, or if he was truly oblivious.

"Ergh…I couldn't sleep, so I…"

"—decided to take a _shower?"_ Kyo questioned suspiciously.

"So what if I did?" Yuki countered. He shut the refrigerator door and opened a cabinet door instead. He used his hand that wasn't attempting to open the cabinet door to keep his towel from falling down, as he had to reach up a bit far to get to the higher cabinets.

At that point, it occurred to Kyo that Yuki was naked under his towel. He averted his eyes. Why did that thought make him blush?

"Am I making you uncomfortable?" Yuki asked coyly. Kyo was puzzled at how Yuki was aware of his reaction when he wasn't even facing him.

"Were you doing something up in Shigure's room?" he asked, dodging Yuki's question.

Yuki whipped his neck around to face Kyo. "And what if I was?" he asked in a voice that was attempting to be nonchalant, but it was evident from his threatening eyes and facial expression that he cared about what Kyo found out and what he would say next. He turned his head back around and continued rummaging through the cabinet until he found a granola bar.

"I could hear the mattress squeaking," Kyo plainly stated.

Yuki chuckled. "Getting right to the point here, are we?"

Kyo was flabbergasted. He thought Yuki would at least _try_ to make up an alibi.

"Well, what of it?" said Yuki, when it seemed Kyo was at a lack of dialogue.

"What do you _mean_ 'what of it'?!" Kyo snapped. "_Shigure?!_ Aren't you even a little _ashamed?!"_

"Very much so, actually," Yuki replied with true nonchalance. "What difference should it make to you?" He closed the cabinet door and began to make his way out of the room.

Kyo wouldn't let it on, but that last statement infuriated him. He shouldn't have to have a reason to be worried about it. He could be worried if he wanted to be worried, dammit!

"It doesn't," he replied, causing Yuki to stop and turn around before leaving the room, and regaining his usual composure. Well, what little composure he had. "I don't care, but I never knew you were like _that_."

Yuki shrugged. "It's not like we have a whole lot of other options, what with our 'condition' all. You got a problem with it?"

"No, it's just…"

"Does that make you _more_ uncomfortable?" Yuki asked, letting off a sly grin. Kyo reddened.

"Of course it does! I have to wonder what you were thinking of all those times we fought each other, all those times we made contact!" Kyo burst out.

Yuki chuckled. "I was thinking of kicking your ass like I always do, my dear cousin. Nothing more."

"Why, you…" Kyo's fists tightened.

"To be honest, you're not particularly attractive in that sort of way," Yuki smiled, knowing it would only aggravate Kyo more.

"Yeah, yeah. Just go back to your little fuck-buddy and hope I keep my mouth shut about all this!"

"Goodnight to you, too, Kyo," Yuki said with another chuckle, as he walked out of the room and headed up the stairs.

Yuki couldn't help but realize how cold he had been with Kyo, truly surprised at his own behavior. He hadn't planned to act that way, he just _had_. He never ceased to amaze himself these days. He was a bit cruel, he realized. He was always cruel with Kyo, though. He didn't particularly dislike Kyo. It was simply that whenever Yuki got frustrated, there he would be. It was just another thing Yuki hated himself for.

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Kyo sat there in something close to amazement. He had thought that Yuki might be just a bit threatened at his statement that sounded more than a bit like he was blackmailing him. Yuki was irritating him more than usual lately. The way he had just been acting, it was like he was deliberately screwing around with his head.

Speaking of screwing around…why was Kyo so bothered at what Yuki was doing—and apparently was very open about doing—with Shigure? Sure, he was a pervert, the man himself made Kyo sick, and the thought of him _doing_ things with _anybody_ was digusting…but he couldn't figure out why it bothered him so much that _Yuki_ was doing things with him?

Kyo wondered why he found himself slightly aroused at seeing his cousin in a towel. And then he mentally smacked himself in the head for being so stupid. Obviously, he had a growing attraction towards Yuki. But he didn't want it. He didn't want to be gay. Or bi. Or whatever he was. He didn't want to love Yuki. He didn't want to be rejected by Yuki, which he felt that he most definitely would be.

When his hatred had begun to turn into a lust, he wasn't sure. It wasn't as if Yuki didn't still annoy him—oh, he _definitely_ still annoyed him. But the things that annoyed him were things he admired at the same time. His calm exterior that almost never wavered, his academic abilities, that certain charm he had—the very reason they called him "The Prince", his striking body and facial features…They had once been things he envied. And they annoyed him because he envied them. But Kyo was growing. As a person, he'd been growing. And with that newfound growth, he had begun to stop simply forming hatred from his envy and let it sit simply as admiration. But once he let himself stop hating Yuki…he couldn't help but start loving him.

And with that, came his attraction. He couldn't help…thinking about him. What his kiss would be like, how he would love to touch that soft, silver hair, what his delicate body would feel like under his…He hated it when he had thoughts such as those. Yuki always seemed to be nearby when he had them, and he'd been doing a lot of unexplained running off as a result, which was beginning to worry Tohru. He wouldn't admit it to himself, but he _wanted_ Yuki. Kyo wanted Yuki so bad, he could hardly stand it.

However, he had no intentions towards his cousin.

_These things…can only end in hurt for me._

Even after Yuki admitted he was gay, that still meant little hope for Kyo, as it was only a result of Kyo figuring out Yuki's relationship with _Shigure_. It particularly annoyed him that he was losing Yuki over _Shigure_. He couldn't decipher if their relationship was real or not, though. Obviously, they were having sex, but Kyo couldn't tell if it was more than that or really just something so shallow. He wasn't quite sure which would hurt him more.

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"BREAKFAAAST!" Tohru burst into Yuki's room, the faint scent of blueberry waffles wafting about in the air around her.

"Nngh," Yuki muttered, putting forth no effort to wake up. He was never an early riser to begin with, how was he supposed to move when he had been up until nearly five in the morning? That wasn't even, what, an hour or so's worth of sleep? His body wasn't ready to wake up. It turned over on it's right side, deciding to ignore the girl's declaration of morning.

"Yuki-kuuuun, it's time to wake up!" she cooed, slightly shaking his arm. He turned over on his back, and blinked a few times, trying to adjust to the light and the new day.

"Are you okay, Sohma-kun? You look like you might be…sick." In truth, he left the impression of someone who was _hungover,_ but Tohru was far too polite to imply such a thing, nor was she sure she would recognize all the symptoms of a drunken person.

"Yes, Miss Honda, I'm fine. Sorry, I didn't hear my alarm going off…"

"Okay, well, um, we have to leave for school in twenty minutes, and there's waffles downstairs if you want some breakfast," she said, giving her best smile as she always did for everyone.

(A.N.: I'm completely unaware of how the architecture of Shigure's home works, as I am incredibly unobservant about such things. I just put everyone's bedrooms and a bathroom upstairs; and then a bathroom, kitchen, dining room which I think conjoins with the kitchen, Shigure's "study", and their "living room" type area, all downstairs.)

"Thank you, Honda-san," Yuki said, giving his most genuine smile that was reserved for only his chosen few.

"Yes!" She responded jovially, nearly skipping, and then nearly _tripping_, to and out of the door to do whatever it was she had to do to get ready for school. Yuki wondered where she found so much energy, especially in the _mornings,_ whereas Yuki occasionally pretended to be sick for the sake of sleeping in far longer than he should have.

Oh well. It was all irrelevant, he was going to school today, he decided. He hurriedly got dressed and went downstairs. He did, indeed, want some breakfast before school.

He was surprised to find Kyo eating at the table. Usually Kyo would fumble around, taking an exceptional amount of time to get dressed and get the previous night's homework together, and then be ready just before they _had_ to leave and maybe grab a piece of toast or a granola bar to eat on the way there. Nevertheless, there he was, completely ready and dressed it appeared, eating a waffle accompanied by a glass of milk.

"What are you doing up already?" Yuki questioned, using a fork and knife to cut through his waffles, as opposed to Kyo, who simply held the waffle in his hand and took large bites out of it.

"None of your damn business, stupid rat…" Kyo muttered, but it was lacking the usual heart put into it. Kyo had been up exceptionally late, as well. But unlike Yuki, the more tired he was, the more threatened he felt that he simply wouldn't get up at all, and a kind of panic would rise in him to get ready quickly and hurriedly make sure his day got started. He couldn't trust himself to just sleep five more minutes and stop it at that.

Yuki ate most of his waffle, then went to the kitchen to put his plate up. Just as he was placing it in the sink, Shigure came in, stretching his arms out and yawning.

"Something smells good…" he muttered, blinking a few times, trying to wake up more. "Oh, YUKI!"

He quickly pushed Yuki back up against the wall and started leaning in.

"Don't do that, dammit!" Yuki commanded. The back of his neck had hit the wall rather hard, and he could feel the bruise forming.

"I'm sorry, I was too rough for my delicate Yuki." Shigure resumed to leaning in towards Yuki's lips.

"_Shigure!_" Yuki barked in a whisper. "Not.Now!"

"Relax, relax, Tohru-kun will be busy for at least five more minutes and Kyo-kun is still eating. We have time."

"Not _here!_" Yuki retaliated.

"It's nothing like that, it doesn't matter," Shigure replied, ever determined.

"Get the hell offa me!" Yuki pushed his cousin away from him and walked out of the kitchen. Kyo was curious as to the quiet bickering he had heard in the kitchen, and to the faint thudding noises he had heard.

Yuki picked up his backpack by the door and walked out, though it was quite cold out, in the midst of winter. He was walking to school, anyway, it didn't matter if he got off a little early. His plans were disrupted, however, by Tohru and Kyo coming out soon after they had been made.

"Ah, glad to see you so awake, Yuki-kun!" Tohru said cheerfully. Yuki's senses couldn't help but be sharpened after having to fight off Shigure…Obviously, she had finished getting ready for school early and Kyo had picked up the pace for her sake.

"Thank you, Honda-san," Yuki replied. Tohru cocked her head to the side. Noticing that there seemed to be an awkward air about the silence, Yuki turned around to see Tohru staring at his lower neck. Upon his movement, her head sprang up and she stopped, of course.

"Is there something wrong?" he questioned.

"Um…Yuki-kun…" she started, knowing she had been caught, "How did you get that bruise?" She hoped she wasn't being too blunt or prying too much.

"Oh. I fell," he stated simply He wondered how a bruise had formed there so quickly.

Kyo raised his eyebrows at this explanation. Yuki, in turn, raised _one_ eyebrow, subtly proving for the umpteenth time that his abilities exceeded Kyo's. Though he quickly turned his head back around to avoid his blush being seen. He hated having ivory skin. Some found it pretty, but Yuki simply found it a nuisance that made any slight coloring on his face appear much darker than it would on most people.

"Ah, okay. S-sorry, Sohma-kun…" she mumbled, deciding from his reaction that it _had _been an rude thing to ask.

"Not at all," Yuki replied, giving his fake, Princely smile. Kyo didn't think 'not at all' made any sense with what Tohru had said, but he wasn't in the mood for arguing about anything so trivial. He wasn't in the mood for arguing about _anything_ lately. He didn't want to fight with Yuki nor did he want to speak kindly to him. Well, if he could have, he would have spoken kindly to him, but then it would be evident that something was going on and Shigure would notice, and Akito would be curious…and he was certain Yuki would be disgusted if he found out Kyo liked him, or detected anything that hinted at it.

So Kyo was simply quiet, blending in the scenery. And the contents of the previous night were still slowly sinking in.

Part of Kyo was happy to have learned of Yuki and Shigure's relationship. He had been looking for a reason that he could be at peace with these feelings towards his cousin, a reason to make the voice in his head that told him he should go for it to be quiet, a reason not to pursue Yuki, a reason to give up on the idea entirely.

But then the other part was worried. Caring about Yuki, he couldn't help but notice that there was something odd about their "relationship". What he'd heard in the kitchen had sounded strange. A thudding noise, Shigure pursuing against Yuki's arguing…well, Kyo couldn't help but wonder if it was healthy. Not to mention, _consensual_.

And that bruise…that bruise bothered him. It was physical _proof_ that something was going on.

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Yuki could hear the teacher talking, but he wasn't listening. He was focusing on a nail in the wall. Apparently, whatever had been hung there by the nail had been taken down. He found it hard to concentrate on even schoolwork these days. His grades weren't slipping, of course. He'd just stopped even pretending to pay attention to the teacher.

"_Sohma!_" Mayu barked, slamming a book down on Yuki's desk.

"Yes, sensei?" he asked politely. Had he _looked_ as if he had been spacing out that much?

"Don't 'yes, sensei' me! You haven't been paying attention at all, have you?" Mayu sighed, waiting for his reply.

"No, ma'am," he replied innocently. A few kids snickered, a few were simply shocked that the Prince would be so rude to an adult.

"You know, you'll be sorry, trying to look cool with this 'I don't give a shit' attitude when it starts affecting your grades."

"But, I haven't given a shit for the past month, and my grades have been flawless, sensei," he replied, still as if he were modestly explaining himself. Once again, a few kids giggled, but more this time were flat-out shocked at Yuki's unusual behavior. This would be top of the line gossip around school after class got out. If it was believed, that is.

"That's it. Get outta here, we'll deal with this after class!" she commanded.

"Yes, sensei," he replied politely, getting up from his seat.

"Kids these days…" she muttered under her breath, returning back to the blackboard. "Okay, so in this equation…"

Yuki shut the door behind him. He would probably get away with just a detention or something. He simply didn't care anymore.

He looked around. The hallway was eerily still. He was alone. _As usal, _he thought bitterly. However, his solitude was soon interrupted.

"Dammit, Kyo! That's the third time this week! Does it run in the family, or what?!" Mayu angrily pushed a slightly roughed up looking Kyo out the door and slammed it behind her as if she was fearful of him coming back in.

"What did you do this time?" Yuki asked with true curiosity. Kyo eyed him suspiciously.

"None of your damn business," Kyo muttered, crossing his arms and looking in the other direction.

"Did you get in another fight?" Yuki asked with a smirk. Kyo growled, confirming Yuki's suspicions.

It was silent for a while, neither of them daring to speak to the other. Normally, they wouldn't.

"Are you and Shigure dating?" Kyo blurted out.

"No," Yuki answered calmly.

"So, what? Your just fucking?!"

"Pretty much," Yuki replied without concern.

"And you're agreeing to it?"

Yuki seemed to tense a bit. "Yeah. Why would you even ask that?"

"I heard you in the kitchen this morning. It didn't _sound_ consensual and…dammit, Yuki, he put a bruise on you."

"It's consensual. And I don't care about the bruise."

"Why would you just let Shigure use you like that?" Kyo asked, his anger beginning to rise.

"That's _my_ business, now, isn't it?" The whole time, Yuki had been staring straight ahead, not daring to look at the other boy. Kyo didn't care what Yuki said or how he acted, if he'd not felt bad about all this, he would've been able to look at him.

Kyo took Yuki by the arm and pulled him into the bathroom across the hallway. He was growing paranoid of being heard, and he didn't plan to discontinue their discussion anytime soon. Yuki resisted slightly, but Kyo used more force and he decided it wasn't worth the struggle. He noticed, however, that Kyo seemed stronger than usual.

Once in the seemingly empty bathroom, Kyo scanned the stalls to make sure no one else was listening before continuing.

"Do you even realize how _low_ your sinking here?!" Kyo demanded. Yuki's head whipped around to face Kyo.

"Why the hell does it matter?!" he burst out. It was a bit surprising at he'd been seemingly calm about all this thus far. Kyo had been slightly reliant on thinking that he was the only one who would lose his temper.

"Because you're supposed to be _**better **_than this!" Kyo shouted in a low voice. "You're supposed to be better than letting some low life fuck you just for the hell of it!"

That was the rat's job. To be better than the rest of the zodiac, especially the cat. If the situation wasn't devastating enough to Kyo just by itself, it had to take a shot at his faith in how things were supposed to be.

Kyo was surprised to see tears welling up in Yuki's angry eyes. "God dammit, no, I'm _not!_ I'm not better than this…any of it…"

"Yes, you _are!"_ Kyo insisted.

"No…" Yuki whispered. He leaned back against the dirty wall and brought up his shaking hands up over his face. It was childish, he knew, but Yuki hated people seeing him cry. Let alone _Kyo_, his supposed worst enemy.

"Hey, man…" Kyo started, his anger dissolving into more important matters. He hesitantly extended his hand to Yuki's shoulder. He wasn't very good at consoling people, but he was trying.

Yuki wiped his tears with his sleeve, though his eyes were still red. "I hate it…I hate being expected to be 'The Prince', I hate being expected to be the best of the worst, I hate people thinking that I'm 'perfect'. Well, here's your fucking proof, I'm not any of that."

"…that's a lot of pressure, I guess," Kyo agreed, still attempting to be comforting. He hesitantly wrapped his arm around Yuki's shoulder, wondering if it would be okay, wondering if Yuki would later claim he was taking advantage of his current state. But he was just trying to comfort him. That was all. His worries were instantly dissolved the moment Yuki laid his head on Kyo's shoulder, which meant that it was okay.

It hurt. Being that close to Yuki and knowing that he couldn't do anything, and they wouldn't "be together", it hurt like hell.

"But you _are_ better than this," Kyo whispered. "I know you are."

"Nngh…" Yuki wasn't sure whether it was relieving or still disturbing to hear someone say that.

"What's all this about?" Kyo asked quietly. "I know you didn't just wake up one morning and think 'I'm gonna go get on top of Shigure'."

Yuki hesitated.

"I won't tell anyone," Kyo reassured.

"It…the first time…" Yuki hesitated and wiped the corner of his eye again. "The first time, it wasn't consensual…"

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**If you've read my other fic, you must be thinking "why is she making Yuki get raped AGAIN?" Well, its not exactly rape which will be explained in the next chapter, and it's kind of imperative to the rest of the story. I think I'll finish this. Reviews may secure things, but I won't be evil and hold review ransom. **

**Tohru would make a good fag-hag. So would Hana. And White Winter Hymnal is a cheery, catchy song, and you should go listen to it right now. **

—**Psycho. **


	3. Toy

**Anything to put off my summer project that I haven't done any of which is due in three days. Procrastination has never failed me before, I'll be fine xP **

**I think I've informed some of you, my laptop has died, and when/whether it will be resurrected, I have no idea. Be careful with your limewire files, kids. Anywho, updates are hard, because I can no longer write in my room when I'm _supposed _to be sleeping. But I'll have a fair amount of free time soon, so no worries. **

**Please review and please enjoy! **

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"What's all this about?" Kyo asked quietly. "I know you didn't just wake up one morning and think 'I'm gonna go get on top of Shigure'."

Yuki hesitated.

"I won't tell anyone," Kyo reassured.

"It…the first time…" Yuki hesitated and wiped the corner of his eye again. "The first time, it wasn't consensual…"

Kyo stood there, astounded at what Yuki had just admitted. He had thought about it, mused on the idea that maybe Shigure was forcing Yuki to do things, but it had been one of those theories that he, in the back of his mind, wasn't expecting to be true.

"Yuki, you...are you saying Shigure _raped_ you?" Yuki cringed at the word "rape". He looked down and shook his head.

"I don't know..." he near-whispered.

"What do you mean, you 'don't know'? Did it happen, or not?!" Kyo demanded. He instantly regretted speaking so harshly to Yuki when he was in such a state, but his words were always doing that to him, they were always flying out of his mouth before giving him any say in the matter.

"It's not that easy," Yuki responded, seemingly unaffected by the urgency in Kyo's voice. Kyo was almost glad. Almost.

"Just...just, what happened?" Kyo asked as calmly and "comfortingly" as he could manage. "You can tell me." Yuki looked up at the taller teen with fearful eyes, as if he were questioning if he could _really_ tell Kyo what happened. Kyo pulled him slightly closer. Not because he dreamed of being that close to the other boy, not because he "wanted" him, but because he couldn't stand to see those eyes. Those child-like eyes that were afraid to accept the hand of friend ship, afraid to believe the kind words others said, afraid to gleam with happiness, or optimism, for fear that someone would whisk it all away from him, as someone always seemed to do. Kyo pulled him closer, giving him an unspoken answer that said none of that was going to happen--that if he reached out for help, he would receive it, and that if things got better, they weren't going to go straight back to their former state of despair.

"That night...

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_That night was when everything changed. _

_It was a Friday night, to be exact. Tohru was at Hanajima's, most likely with Uotani as well. Kyo was off somewhere not too far away, probably on the roof. Shigure was somewhere in the house, he could hear him moving around downstairs every now and then, though Yuki hadn't been paying him any mind. Yuki himself was laid back on his bed, trying to read a book, feeling just slightly pathetic for having nothing better to do on a Friday night. _

_And he heard a knock on the door. _

_"Yuki?" _

_"What do you want?" he asked, somewhat rudely, but who could blame him? Listening to anything Shigure had to say was generally a waste of time. _

_"Can I come in?" _

_"Sure," Yuki replied. He quickly dog-eared the page he was on and sat up, as not to fall prey to one of the dog's perverted jokes, as he most definitely would be if he was caught laying back, in such an "inviting" position. The door creaked open, and Shigure entered, shutting the door behind him, and twisting the lock on it. While Yuki took note of this, he didn't think much of it at the time. It was just another thing that he smacked himself in the head for when he looked back on the incident and the things that should have hinted at what was to come. Shigure eyed the room a bit, as if he had not seen it before, and slowly made his way to Yuki's bed, where he sat down next to him. _

_"Was there something you wanted?" Yuki questioned suspiciously. Also when looking back on the incident, he would note the glimmer in Shigure's eyes when he said that. Shigure was not sneaky, going about what he came to do. Unlike most that did these things, he was straight and to the point, suddenly lunging at Yuki, knocking him off the bed. _

_Yuki was knocked onto the floor, his back and head being slammed against the hard ground. The day in the kitchen had reminded him of things he never wanted to remember. Shigure forcefully straddling his hips as not to let Yuki get up, and tightly pinning Yuki's wrists above his head. _

_"I want **you**." _

_"No," Yuki stated blankly. _

_"I never said I was giving you any say in the matter," Shigure responded, chuckling lightly._

_Yuki's first response was to try to get away. But Shigure was strong. Surprisingly so, as he never seemed to work out or train. Yuki was relatively strong, himself, but amazingly enough, he wasn't stronger than Shigure. Anyway, Yuki's mind was having a lot of trouble comprehending that his male cousin was trying to rape him, and he was finding it a bit hard to move._

_Shigure used but one hand to pin down both of Yuki's wrists, and used the other to take his shirt off. "Off we go!" he exclaimed in an innapropriately playful manner, as he practically ripped the buttons off of Yuki's shirt. Yuki thrashed, desperately attempting to escape the older man's harsh touch. Shigure promptly slapped him across the cheek for doing so._

_"Why are you doing this?" Yuki whispered. _

_"What can I say, an old man has needs." He pulled the sash off of his kimono, letting himself be exposed, and using the sash to tie Yuki's hands together so he would not have to continue straining himself to keep the boy down. He ran his hands along Yuki's chest and abs, his touch surprisingly gentle for a man with such dark ambitions. His hands began moving lower, as he simply enjoyed Yuki's terrified reaction at thinking of where he was heading. He moved his hands back up, making a point of it to run his hands over Yuki's nipples until they were hard enough to pinch. He did so at that point, enjoying Yuki's face twist from the pain. If his pedophilic intentions weren't sick enough, his apparent sadism certainly was. _

_Yuki's head was turned to the side, his eyes shut with tears brimming out the sides of them, as he attempted to ignore what was happening to him. _

_"What happened to the way you used to look at me when you were younger? Even when you first moved in here, I could see it. What happened to that?" _

_Yuki blushed madly. Yes, he had had a crush on his older cousin for quite some time. He was what made him realize he was gay. Shigure, in everything he was, was still an attractive man. At one time, Yuki may have believed he was in love with him. _

_"You used to** love** me," Shigure cooed, bringing his head down next to Yuki's ear. He nipped at it with his teeth, as Yuki turned redder. "**Say it**." He, once again, slapped the younger boy across the cheek. _

_"I love you," he whispered out of fear. He admitted to himself, he had loved Shigure as a boy. A small part of him still did. He didn't know why, he just did. But here he was, as the result, tied up, being violated, being hurt, being utterly **humiliated,** and being forced to admit things that he buried so deep within himself that he never planned on telling anyone._

**_Is this what happens when someone knows how you feel? So this is love..._**

_"Its that easy, now, is it? You're a fun **toy**, Yuki-kun." Shigure chuckled, all the while caressing Yuki's upper half, and working his way down to his lower as slowly as possible, just so he could see Yuki's growing fear of what was yet to come. To Shigure's delight, Yuki shuddered as he came lower down. "I can make you do this when I press you like that, and I can make you feel like that when I say things like this..." _

_Shigure kissed Yuki's skin, starting at his stomach area and moving up. Yuki's lips did not struggle against Shigure's, but nonetheless, Shigure harshly bit Yuki's lower lips, and forced his mouth upon Yuki's before he could let out a cry of pain. He removed his kimono entirely, and began removing Yuki's pants, getting to the part that Yuki had so been dreading. _

_Shigure had them both naked, and began caressing Yuki's lower half. Yuki didn't want this to be happening, but his body was betraying him, begging for more. He let out a small moan as his arousal grew, immediately regretting it. _

_Shigure laughed at him. "You seem to be getting excited. Are you actually **enjoying** this, you little whore?" _

_Everything Shigure had said was beginning to sink in. He'd called him a toy. That was really what had done it. It seemed as if everyone considered him as such. His mind slowly submitted to what Shigure had said. Admitted it was true. Began to think Yuki deserved what was happening. _

_As Shigure turned Yuki over on his other side, he completely got off of him for a moment. This was a moment Yuki would never forget. Couldn't forget. Yuki realized that he could have run away here, as Shigure would later remind him. But he didn't. In his mind, he deserved what was happening, and the pain that was to come from his "first time". So he stayed. So he gave up. So he let Shigure do things to him, and let him keep on doing things to him. Willingly went to his room, eventually, as he began to depend on being used and abused, and feeling on the outside like he did on the inside. _

_Like a toy. _

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**Reviews just miiiight encourage me to get some more story up faster. So that's the story of what happened to Yuki. See Kyo's reaction in the next chapter. Last chapter, one of my reviewers called me a "sadistic bastard" (as a compliment, of course). After writing that, all I can say is...guilty as charged, man. **

-**-Psycho.**


	4. Love

**Yukeru archive. YukixKakeru stories. Go check it out from my profile, they are the hottest pairing.**

**So, yeah, I am sorry updates have taken a while. As usual. I got a whole new virus on my laptop, which I should be able to rid it of, but I haven't been able to write into the wee hours of the morning like usual. Seriously, lime wire cannot be trusted. I wanna thank all my reviewers, this story is more popular than I thought it'd be, I got nine whole reviews for last chapter, which is fantastical, so you guys are awesome, and thanks. **

**Please review, please enjoy, all that good stuff.**

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You hear about rape and molestation incidents on the news, and in news papers, but you never really pay much attention. It never concerns you, personally. Kyo felt a pang of guilt for his lack of general sympathy for that sort of thing after hearing Yuki's story. He could hardly bear the silent tears sliding down his cousin's, his secret love's, cheeks when he finished telling Kyo about what happened with him and Shigure. So confused and so hurt and so violated...of all the horrible names and harsh treatment Kyo had been subjected to for all of his life, he'd never been touched against his will. He had never had his clothes torn off of him, he had never screamed "no" in muffled sobs to ears that might as well be deaf. And because of that, he couldn't really find the words to try and make him feel better. All he knew to do was hold him a little tighter than he had and not say anything while Yuki buried his head into his chest.

"What do I do?" Yuki whispered.

"Please don't keep letting Shigure do this. It's not right," Kyo replied, unsure of whether Yuki would listen to him or not. He had to ignore how much this was tearing he, himself up inside so he would keep his attention to Yuki's issues at hand. "You know you're better than this."

"I really don't know that. At all." Yuki responded sullenly.

"How can you think so little of yourself when you have a whole school of raging girls that want into your pants?" Kyo's words were probably less sensitive than they could have been, his generally crude way of wording things was part of why he was trying to stay quiet, but he got his meaning across.

"They're just taken in by what I appear to be. No one who really knew me could give a shit," Yuki muttered. He really didn't mean to argue with Kyo, but he was mostly thinking aloud at the moment, and incredibly stuck by his opinions on himself. He knew he ought to think better of himself, but he felt an overwhelming sense of guilt whenever he tried, as if doing so was such a selfish sin.

Kyo, on the other hand, was merely breaking in half at the thought of Yuki being in such despair. No one is ever what they appear to be, everyone has things that they want to hide from the rest of the world, and in doing so, they alter what others perceive as reality into something that is either more bearable for others or for themselves. Kyo was aware of this, he knew Yuki probably had a few skeletons in his closet, but he never would have guessed that he was this broken. All he could think to do at that moment was make Yuki stop hurting.

Kyo tilted Yuki's chin up so his eyes were looking into his and he would know he was sincere. His words came out croaky and hesitantly, but steadily.

"Well, I think _I _know you pretty damn well, Yuki. Incredibly well, after what you just told me, and I'd...I'd have to say I've been utterly in love with you for the past few months or so." It was apparent from the red spreading across his face that part of Kyo took the time to be mortified at the words that had just come out of his mouth, even though his main focus was just to make Yuki feel better. He decided it was worth it, but he couldn't quite control the blush spreading over his face.

"Don't fuck with me," Yuki whispered, new tears pricking his eyes. "Don't say things like that just because you think I'll feel better."

Kyo's brows furrowed, truly a bit offended that his feelings were so easily being dismissed as a lie. "_Fuck_ that shit," he breathed, "Yuki, I really do love you!"

Yuki didn't further question him. As unusual as it was, Kyo seemed sincere, and he knew not to ever question feelings that strong. However, as much as he wanted to...out of pity, or sympathy, or whatever he was feeling...he couldn't tell Kyo he returned those feelings.

"I'm sorry..." Yuki muttered, looking away.

"I'm not saying it because I expected you to return my feelings; In fact, I pretty much expected this reaction. I just want you to know that you _are_ lovable. Very lovable, actually. If someone could be this deeply in love with you, you can't possibly be as worthless as you think you are. You're _not_ the waste you keep making yourself out to be." As confident as Kyo's tone was, he could feel tears brimming in his own eyes. He knew Yuki didn't love him, he knew that his feelings wouldn't be returned, he was aware of all this, and yet...hearing aloud it made him feel like crying. He didn't cry very much, it wasn't something he thought was admirable to do on a regular basis. But this just suddenly and unexpectedly made him want to burst into tears. He was holding back, but the pure stress of the situation was too strong for him to easily blink the tears away.

"I just...I don't...I have to go," Yuki breathed. He ripped himself from Kyo's embrace, and quickly made his way to the door. Kyo let him go.

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It was lunch by then. Yuki assumed that Kyo had gone to the school's roof. He went to sit with Honda-san and her friends, and tried to just let his mind slip away from things.

"Yuki-kun!" Tohru waved him over to her table as he walked into the lunchroom, and patted a spot at the table to signify that it would be there until he got his lunch plate. However, he really did not feel like eating at the moment and decided to skip that particular meal.

"You're not eating, Sohma-kun?" Hanajima asked from the perspective of a girl with a rather generously portioned plate of food. She wasn't the type of person who could see a point in skipping meals.

"If you don't eat, you might get sick," Tohru reprimanded him softly.

He smiled as best as he could. "I'm fine, really."

"I don't think so, your eyes are all red," Arisa observed.

"I didn't sleep a lot last night, they're probably a little bloodshot," Yuki responded nonchalantly. He hadn't been able to wash his face from crying that way since he had fled from the bathroom and not wanted to chance going back while Kyo might still be there.

"No, it looks like you've been crying," she said bluntly, looking closer at his face and eyes, obviously not catching onto how he was trying to cover up the fact that he had been crying.

"Okay, just shut up," he sighed. Maybe on another day his wits would have been sharp enough for him to think of a reasonable excuse, and truth be told, they probably were sharp enough on that particular day, but he didn't feel like using the brainpower to think of any excuses. He, himself, was considerably surprised that he had been crying. He had been so numb and uncaring for the past few months...he really didn't think he cried anymore. Crying was something that people who _felt _things did. He was just a little bit relieved that he still _could_ cry, actually.

Hanajima wasn't concerned with him, though she could sense his distraught state better than anyone. Tohru was giving him a worried stare, Arisa giving him a curious glare, but he wasn't with the rest of them. His mind had wondered far off.

Having someone who loves you is such a peculiar thing. There's the initial shock that anyone even _would_ love you. And then there's a sick feeling that comes with it. It's incredibly overwhelming to have someone's heart in your hands, to have complete control over them and how they feel. Yuki had often been under other people's control that way, people who would abuse such a potentially beautiful thing, and he was quite scared to be on the other end. He didn't want to be like Akito, he didn't want to be like his parents, he didn't want to be like Shigure, he didn't want to be like any of them. If he was, he truly didn't think he would be able to live with himself. Love is always a scary thing when it's one-sided that way. Kyo had put his feelings out in the open for Yuki to do with as he pleased. It was such a brave thing to do...and even _knowing_ that he would be rejected when he did so, just to make Yuki feel better...it was an incredibly, undeniably, courageous thing to do. Not to mention how completely selfless it was. But that was what it meant to truly be in love with someone. To use your entire being to shield the one you love, knowing that you're going to take a personal blow and knowing that there will be no benefits to reap from doing something so amiable.

Because when someone was in love with you, you had the power to embrace them, and you had the power to crush them completely. This being Kyo, Yuki was painstakingly torn between the two.

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It was a short chapter. I know. I just wanted to get something up. School has started, I had homework...well, the next update should not take as long. Have any of you ever seen Godmother Halloween? It is one of my favorite Halloween specials, kiddy as it is. I thought of the gay skeleton's line, "Everyone's got a few skeletons in the closet" whenever I wrote "Kyo knew Yuki probably had a few skeletons in his closet, but..." I am so watching that if it comes on this year. Reviews would be greatly appreciated, and as usual, they just might encourage me to update faster.

--Psycho.


	5. Secrets Out

So, a fair amount of the reviews I got were pointing out flaws and Ocness in my story

Hey, you guys, I would totally love you if you checked out my other fic. If you're reading THIS fic because you like angst, then TRUST ME, you will be in love with Old Awakenings and New Beginnings. It's yaoi still!

So, a fair amount of the reviews I got were pointing out flaws and Ocness in my story. I'm aware that they're all OC, I like them better this way, and I don't know what their rooms look like or their house's architecture or anything like that. Hell, I still think of Yuki as a blonde sometimes (I thought he WAS for the entire first volume, he sure looks like he would be!)

Anyone read the ENTIRE series? (you can read it to the end, there's online translations of all the Japanese volumes) I didn't like the way it ended way too much. It was beautiful, but kind of unrealistic. Like, I'm pretty sure some of them would need a bit of therapy or something… Updates have taken a while I guess. Writing time is limited.

**Please review and please enjoy!**

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One-sided love is quite a scary thing, Yuki decided. Whether you've fallen in love with someone who doesn't love you back, or someone who you can't love has fallen in love with you, it's scary. And then you find yourself wondering if you have feelings for them, and when you think "maybe I could date them", you're happy at realizing that you could have them in an instant. But then it strikes you that if you didn't "get into it" or weren't serious like them, you'll only end up hurting them more. Yuki couldn't think of anyone who knew him as well as Kyo and loved him. It made him a little happy that someone loved him. It made him _really_ happy, actually. By all means, Kyo's plan had worked. But, at the same time, this made him face a whole new dilemma that was extremely stressful. He didn't want to hurt Kyo.

He hated that all of this was occurring to him during lunchtime. He found it hard to be surrounded by Tohru and her friends and have to try and act normal around them and think about this at the same time. He felt jumbled and anxious, and almost sure they were picking up on it. He never cared to let people know how he was feeling. He couldn't figure out why he felt the way he did at certain things, and if he couldn't explain it to himself, he couldn't possibly give anyone else who questioned it an explanation without feeling like a complete idiot. Hanajima was staring at him curiously. Of course, _she'd _figure it out. He tried to be accepting and whatnot, but the girl scared him, quite frankly.

He spent the rest of the lunch period on something like auto pilot, regarding his speech. It wasn't much different from how he usually responded.

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Kyo, as Yuki had expected, had made his way to the school's roof. He wanted to think about things and come to some sort of conclusion, solution, resolution, something. And, yet, he also just wanted to forget about everything.

He'd told Yuki—the boy who was supposedly his worst enemy—that he was in love with him. Kyo respected honesty, and in his mind, he had seen this as something of an inevitable event. Not the exact event, but that he'd tell Yuki he loved him. He was trying to figure out his life some. Some things, he wanted to sort out. Some things, he wanted to fix. Some things, he just wanted to figure out. And in doing so, he'd been making an effort to be more honest. If everything is based off of the truth, then everything will be the way it's meant to be.

However, despite all of this, he couldn't help thinking that he had done the wrong thing. It left him feeling utterly vulnerable. His cousin could do whatever he wished with this piece of information. He could crush him. He could continue on hating Kyo the way he had done before. That wouldn't be so bad, Kyo told himself, he'd dealt with it for a while now and been okay. Whether Yuki decided to take advantage of Kyo's feelings to hurt him or not, Kyo realized that he had been rejected. He didn't think it would go any other way, but it hurt more to hear it out loud than he had thought it would.

He couldn't see himself in a relationship, anyway. He wasn't the type of person who was meant to be in relationships, he told himself. _I don't deserve it. I'd just fuck everything up…_

His mind was wondering. He was thinking of things that weren't relative. He had to focus, he thought. He had to focus on what he was going to do about Yuki and Shigure and all that mess. It was Yuki's decision, really. He wasn't sure if it counted as abuse or not, since Yuki had been consensually participating so much. It WAS abuse, of course—Shigure was fucking with Yuki's head and taking advantage of him when he _obviously_ wasn't in his right state of mind—but, it wouldn't really hold any ground in the courts.

_Shigure…that son of a bitch! _Kyo gritted his teeth and clenched his fists just thinking about the bastard. He was going to kick Shigure's ass when he got home, and nothing was going to stop him.

The dog annoyed him regularly, pissed him off every day about some perverted joke or something, but this? This was beyond anything Kyo had even thought he was capable of. He never would have suspected. It was despicable to do that to a person's mind, not to mention their body. Especially Yuki, after all the shit he'd _already_ been through.

"_FUCK!"_ Kyo cried out in pain. His knuckles were bleeding horribly. He knew it was not a good idea to punch cement, and yet, he'd been so uncontrollably angry for a moment that he had to hit something…and then hit it again and a couple more times after that.

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Yuki went through the motions the rest of the day. Just like always, he thought bitterly.

He hadn't meant to tell Kyo what he had told him. It hadn't been his intentions to tell _anyone_. Kyo had seemed concerned, and at the same time, he was pressuring him to talk. People always want to blurt out these things when they're under enough pressure, because secretly, they want to tell someone. And when they start to feel that they can safely do so, it's just too tempting for some.

It's the same way boys tell secrets camping in the backyard and girls tell secrets at sleepovers while they're watching movies. No matter what, after spending enough time together and digging deep enough, you feel bonded with that person, and you see a safe place where you can confess and it will be okay.

Yuki couldn't say he felt much better. The reason people tell secrets about themselves is to get them off their chests, and in that respect, Yuki felt quite a bit relieved. But people also told secrets about themselves because people always seek other people's approval—they will tell other people things so they can hear someone else say that it's okay. However, Yuki knew that what he was doing was _not _okay, and that Kyo certainly did not think it was okay.

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So, by all this, Yuki was inevitably anxious. He was the first to come home, as Tohru had work and Kyo had gone to the dojo. That was the difference between the two of them, Yuki thought—Kyo went to the dojo to beat the shit out of people when he was confused and anxious, and _Yuki_ went to Shigure.

"Home early, are we?" Shigure said as Yuki entered their kitchen. Yuki had somewhat hoped that Shigure would be busy; then it would be certain that he wouldn't do anything.

Yuki opened the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of water. He shut the door, and felt Shigure's arms around his torso before he could turn around. Yuki felt his lips nip at his ear, sending shudders through his body. He wasn't enthused to be back in this place where he hated to be, but he felt somehow defeated already, or rather like he would inevitably be defeated, and made no efforts to escape.

Shigure scooped him up bridal-style and carried him into the living room. He dropped Yuki somewhat roughly onto the couch, and brought his legs over to straddle his hips. He began undoing his tie and unbuttoning his shirt. Yuki felt so incredibly numb at the moment, and yet he something inside him wanted it to stop.

Maybe it was because he had told Kyo; he had told Kyo, and he _knew_ that it was wrong, for sure, now that someone else was looking in on everything and showing him.

And still, he didn't try to make Shigure stop. He actually pulled Shigure's head down to his and began kissing him. To his surprise, though, Shigure pulled out. Yuki looked at him confusedly. Shigure continued kissing his skin and doing essentially arousing things, however he pulled away when Yuki attempted to do anything more serious. Once Shigure was sure Yuki was thoroughly aware of and confused about what he was doing, he leaned next his ear with a satisfied smirk on his face.

"I want you to _beg_ me," he whispered.

Yuki felt horrible enough doing things with this man, but begging him to do things to him? It was crossing a line. Not that all of this had not already crossed a line, but this would cross another one. One that Yuki just wouldn't cross.

"Come on, it's already pretty apparent that you're into this sort of thing," Shigure urged.

Suddenly Yuki felt disgusting, more than he had before. This was an unbearable amount though. To think that Shigure had _expected_ him to beg him…

"Get the fuck off me," he muttered.

"I'm not going anywhere," Shigure responded nonchalantly. "We both know you'll end up participating, one way or the oth—

Yuki punched him square in the jaw. It wasn't a smart thing to do when you were pinned below someone, especially someone you knew was stronger than you. Shigure, in a state of shock at such resistance, hit Yuki on the side of his head, using his elbow.

Yuki jerked to his left so he could bring his leg up, which ended up hitting Shigure in a very sensitive area. Shigure was too distracted by the immense pain he was feeling to hold Yuki down while he propped his elbows on the arm rest behind him and pulled his legs out from beneath Shigure. He swiftly made his way to behind the couch, where he leaned over and looked Shigure straight in the eyes.

"This is over," he said sternly.

Though he was still throbbing from pain, Shigure smirked at him and said confidently, "Now, Yuki, you know that's not true."

Yuki, by no means whatsoever, cared for Shigure in a romantic way any longer. Having sexual relations with him was a sort of outlet he'd developed when he was stressed or anxious or depressed, but in doing so, that had just created more problems.

For, if he had had any romantic feelings for Shigure or concern for his well-being, he would not have told Kyo what he had been doing.

"_SHIT!"_

They hadn't heard Kyo come in the house, but Kyo had heard them. Shigure had no idea of his presence until he felt a very hard surface hit the back of his head.

"He said he's _done,_ you sadistic son of a bitch." Another hit came to his head. Yuki wasn't surprised to see that Kyo was holding a metal pan.

"Kyo, Yuki, leave. _Now_."

However, he _was_ surprised to see Hatori walking into the room. Yuki was obedient, and a more than a bit relieved that someone who could take control before things got _way_ out of hand was there, as he began to leave the room. Kyo, however, held his metal pan threateningly behind Shigure's head, which he was rubbing.

"_Kyo_." Hatori said sternly. "This is something an adult needs to handle."

Kyo was hesitant, but he followed Yuki, after handing the pan over to Hatori.

After he was sure they were gone, Hatori crouched down to Shigure's level on the couch and leaned in closely to his face.

"Do you have _any _idea…what it's like…to be in love with someone?!"

"Can't say I do," Shigure responded. He knew that he was in for it now. He could go to jail since Yuki was underage, and then he could go on rape or sexual abuse charges. He couldn't find it in him to care very much.

"Obviously you don't. Otherwise, you wouldn't have ever done something like this to someone. And you wouldn't deserve this."

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**Welp, Shigure's in for it now. I'm sorry reviews took so long. I watched some of the anime today. If any of you only saw the anime, go read the manga. The anime was crap. But I saw the one with Hatori and Kanna and it had me crying… Anyway, please review. They definitely make me update quicker, hint hint. **

—**Psycho. **


	6. Crimson

**Guess how many times I can listen to Cupid's Chokehold? I don't know. I could've kept going until I had to go do other things. It's great dramatic-ey music. And if you haven't seen the video, you should, the end is just way too adorable with the two little dancing cupids :3**

**So, anyway, I don't know if this is the last chapter or what yet, but I can't wait to write it. Becaaauuse I haven't started to write it yet. I actually make my beginning author notes before I write my chapters. Isn't that interesting? **

**Enough Rambling. Have fun reading, and pleeaaase review.**

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I always knew I would be one of those people who would forget entire periods of their life someday. There's about a month that I don't remember anymore, and I don't think I ever will.

I don't remember when he left. But I remember when I came in on him and Hatori. I can't forget that.

After Hatori told me and Kyo to leave the room, we went upstairs and just sat there in his room. I didn't want to think about what was going to happen now. I guess I was relieved that someone else was doing something, since I wasn't so sure that I could have permanently removed him from my life, myself. I'm sure Kyo would have if I hadn't (Kami knows how long that scenario with the frying pan would have gone if Hatori hadn't stepped in). Kyo didn't know what to say, and neither did I, so we just sat there.

I remember about forty-five minutes went by and I was getting so anxious about what was going to happen that I told Kyo I was going downstairs. He said he was going with me.

When we came into the living room, Shigure was lying on the floor, unconscious. His face was badly bruised, his arm was twisted very oddly, his kimono was ripped at the collar, his nose was bleeding, as was somewhere in his mid-drift that was bleeding through his kimono…I could get a lot more descriptive, but the point is, Shigure was lying there, banged up, and knocked out, and Hatori was standing over him, breathing heavily, blood splattered on his clean white overcoat. His knuckles were red.

I was shocked. I think Kyo was happy.

Tohru was trembling in the doorway.

"_Shigure-san!"_ she shrieked.

"Honda-san…" Hatori muttered, looking over his shoulder. "Go upstairs."

One shaking hand came up to point at Hatori, who was obviously the culprit. "Why, Hatori-san?" she whispered.

"Tohru, really, go upstairs." Kyo commanded her. Whether Hatori wanted to admit it or not, Tohru was a little sister to all of us. We all just wanted to protect her from things that might stain her precious, clean mind.

She shook her head, and shakily took steps forward towards Shigure. "Shigure-san…" she muttered, crying quietly. She came close to him, and began to kneel down. Hatori caught her by her forearms and pulled her back up, a bit jerkily.

"Don't get close to him, Tohru." Hatori said, calmly turning her away. "He wasn't a good man."

"_Wasn't?_ Is he _dead?"_ Kyo asked in shock. Tohru burst out sobbing.

"No, he's not dead. He just passed out, he'll be fine, nothing's even broken. Don't put ideas like that into her head, Kyo. You and Tohru get back upstairs. _Now."_

I couldn't see how Hatori was so completely calm after completely pulverizing someone, which he obviously had. Kyo and Tohru went back upstairs, and I stayed back, as he hadn't told me to go up. It felt the same as when a teacher told you to stay behind after class and talk about a grade or something. Only a lot worse.

"Yuki, I'm not going to ask for a lot of details. Shigure told me he had forced himself on you and it was already a bit apparent when I came inside. All I'm going to ask you is if you want to press charges. If you do, it might be something of a public incident, but I can verify witness, and so can Kyo."

It hadn't occurred to me that after this, Shigure would be leaving my life one way or another. It surprised me that he had taken all the blame; I took him as the kind of man that would either say _I_ was chasing _him_, or the truth, which was that it had been partially consensual.

"I…I can't press charges." I said quietly. I was almost sure that I might win if I did press charges and it went to court, but I wasn't exited about it being a "public incident", and I myself wasn't sure calling it rape was a valid claim. I mean, maybe he had, but I was sure that by continuing with it, it had become something that was okay. Maybe not okay, but not entirely his fault.

"Are you sure?" Hatori asked. I hated it when people said "are you sure" because it made me second guess myself, but I still felt obligated to come back with the same answer that I'd had before.

"Yeah. I'm sure."

Hatori sighed. "Okay, go upstairs and tell Kyo and Tohru to get some of their things; toothbrushes, combs, clothes—just keep it minimal for now. I don't know what we're going to do about permanent living arrangements for all of you, but for a few nights or so, you can all stay at my house. Shigure's moving out, obviously. I checked him, he should wake up in a few hours. I'm staying here to watch him and make sure he leaves, and could you three go to a friend's house for an hour or so? Just keep your cell phone on."

I nodded a few times and started leaving. Hatori caught my shoulder as I was turning.

"Yuki…this is all a little surprising, and unfortunate, of course, but uh…I'm sorry. Are you going to be okay?"

Hatori didn't know what to do. He thought in a mechanical way; Shigure was a problem, so Hatori was going to make sure that he was removed from our lives. But he had no idea what to do about me, I'm sure. Obviously, I wasn't okay. But that made it a lot easier to lie to him.

"Yeah, I'm alright." I replied dully. It was instinct to hide feelings for me; they just seemed to get me into trouble all the time. It felt like something I was supposed to do, but not happy to. I wished Hatori wasn't so oblivious.

"Okay. Go get Tohru and Kyo."

I left and went upstairs, but I could feel his eyes burning holes in my back until I was out of his sight. When I got to Kyo's room, it seemed like he had already deduced that we couldn't stay with Shigure anymore, since he was already packing things; he's not as stupid as I used to take him to be.

"Hatori said he wants us to stay at a friends' house for a few hours until he calls," I said quietly.

"What do I tell Tohru?" Kyo asked, turning from the drawer he had just opened to face me. "I told her to get some of her things, but she has no clue what's going on."

I ran my fingers back through my hair. "I don't want her worrying too much. I don't know what we're going to say."

"Should we lie?" Kyo asked, recognizing that telling her the truth would be exactly what would make her worry a fair amount.

"I don't know what we could say that would explain why she's probably not going to see Shigure again, or at least for a while. Just tell her the truth I guess…You do it, _I_ can't tell her."

Kyo nodded. It was extremely hard to believe that this was all happening through the course of one day.

We all got our things, and I called Kakeru to ask him if we could stay at his house for a few hours, and he complied. I don't remember much after that, except that when we were walking to his house, Tohru was awkwardly quiet, having been informed of the situation, and so were me and Kyo.

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Shigure left, under Hatori's iron fist, I'm sure. Hatori told Akito that Shigure had left and that there was no trace of him, and nothing more than that. Kyo and Tohru moved in with Kazuma. I had to move back in with my parents, which was just _great._ I remember them telling me it was disgraceful that I had led on a relationship with another man, a cousin that was nearly twice my age no less. It didn't really matter, they weren't saying anything that I hadn't already been berating myself about.

The days after that were a blur. Kyo told me I didn't act much differently than usual, just a little more dazed out. All I remember is when I had had enough.

Kyo invited me to go to Kazuma's for a while with him that day. He knew I disliked me home, for obvious reasons. I had this intense, burning, feeling in my chest and stomach, and I hated where I was in life so much. My one release was gone, thanks to me, I felt like a complete and utter tool, it was my fault that everyone had to move back to the estate, and I was back with my parents, who only gave a shit when they were reminding me that I fucked up.

"Well, Yuki, you're name's in the paper. You got all A's again, colleges are just going to be hounding after you," Kazuma said, brimming at me, trying to be positive, I guess. I had this feeling that he knew what had really happened.

I remember when he said this, though, I started thinking of the girls at school who wanted to date me, and Kyo who was in love with me, and my teachers who told me I had remarkable grades and all this potential, and then Kazuma right here, who was reminding me of what teachers had been telling me for years. And I accumulated all the good things in my life and was simply befuddled. I had always felt as if I was born to live a dreary and depressing life, but when I thought of all this, I realized something that just made it seem all the worse.

My life should have been so much better than this.

I shouldn't have been fucking a thirty year old man at seventeen, thinking that was all I was worth, when I had an entire school of girls that wanted to be with me. I shouldn't have always been thinking how stupid I was when I was getting all A's and already on my way to getting scholarships. I shouldn't have felt like my life was this desolate when there was so much possible success in my future.

While this made me realize a lot of good things about myself, it also made me realize that Akito and my parents and Shigure and even I had fucked myself up so badly that I couldn't be the great, happy person that I pretended to be all the time. My life was such a waste. I couldn't fathom why all of this was given to someone like me who wouldn't ever be able to get far enough past all these other demons that I would be able to appreciate any of it.

No matter how many people said they were in love with me or they liked me, I wouldn't ever love myself. No matter how many people told me I was beautiful, I would always look in the mirror and see nothing but a fuck up. No matter how many scholarships I got or how many colleges wanted me, I would still think I was a dumb fuck.

It all came crashing down on me in one mind-altering revelation. I quietly told Kazuma, Tohru, and Kyo that I had to use the restroom, and left the table.

I went into the bathroom and went through the cabinet that opened from behind the mirror. Kazuma was so old-fashioned, he still used the shaving razors that would rid each side of facial hair in one movement, and that you had to replace the blade with. I could end it all, I thought. I could end all the misery and the constant depressing realizations. All I had to do was…

I didn't think about "Maybe I don't want to do this", I didn't think about "Life could be better than this, I could make my life better somehow". All I thought was "My life is a waste", and the best thing to do seemed to be disposing of it. My hand was shaking as I brought the blade down to my wrist. It wasn't that I was hesitant to ending my life, it was just that it was such a huge step to take, I was a little scared. All I had to do was…

I brought it down and swept it across my wrist in one swift motion. It started bleeding immediately and it hurt like a bitch, but I doubted it would be enough to kill me. I repeated the action a few times until I started getting light-headed, and then I did it once more, slower this time, making sure the blade traveled deeper. I saw my life seeping away from me in the blood coming from my wrist.

Reality was fading away. I was finding it hard to see my surroundings. I heard a knocking at the door.

"Yuki? Are you okay?" It was Kyo.

_No, I'm not._ I thought to myself. But I couldn't say that, I realized, so I kept quiet, in too much of a stupor to realize that I needed to lie like I usually did.

"Yuki?" he asked again. I felt my legs shaking. My left hand was going numb. It felt as if the room lurched, but really, I had fallen down. Quite loudly, too.

"Yuki!" he exclaimed, opening the door. "Yuki…" he muttered.

"Kazuma, Tohru!" he yelled. "Call 911!"

"What happened?!" Kazuma yelled worriedly from the other room.

"HE'S LOSING TOO MUCH BLOOD, _JUST FUCKING CALL AN AMBULANCE ALREADY!"_ Kyo replied.

He knelt down beside me, holding my upper half in his arms. "Yuki…" It took me a moment to realize he was sobbing.

"Why didn't you tell me it was coming down to this?"

"You would have stopped me," I muttered.

"You're damn right I would have!" he yelled angrily. "Shit, Yuki, don't do this to me, stay with me."

"What's the point?" I asked wearily. "Everything hurts, Kyo…everywhere I turn, everything hurts…I'm just…I'm not any good…"

"Don't talk like that!" Kyo pleaded, half-sobbing. "Please don't die, Yuki…please don't die…I love you, you know I do, if you weren't here…I don't know what I'd do."

He picked up my left wrist and looked at it, horrified, as he cried harder. He held it to his chest. I tried to move my fingers to grip his shirt, it took a lot of effort, but I gripped onto his shirt collar. The blood was staining his clean white shirt. _My_ blood was staining his clean white shirt.

"Kyo, I don't know what else to do…I don't know where else to go, I keep trying, really I do, but I just can't find a place where it doesn't always hurt…everything reminds me, Kyo."

"Reminds you of what?" he choked out. "Can't you think of _me_, Yuki? I know it's selfish, but stay for me, at least."

"But, I am thinking of you, Kyo. I'm just hurting you by staying. Look at your shirt, _my_ fuck ups are just ruining _your_ life and tainting _you_. It's not fair, is it? Kyo, please just let me go! Let me go so I won't hurt you or anyone anymore, and I won't have to hurt anymore."

"I won't let you go, dammit!" he screamed. "What part of I FUCKING LOVE YOU don't you get?!"

"Kyo, you're the only one…save me…"

"I'm trying," he sobbed.

I looked at my left wrist, and the blood that kept oozing out of it. In the blood, I saw my life flooding away. My painful childhood, the times with Shigure, all the beating life had given me…and then, I saw all the times with Honda-san when she had shown me how much more there was to life than being in misery, I saw Kyo telling me he loved me, I saw myself with Kakeru and the other members on student council, all the good times life had given me…all of it, flooding away.

I looked at the crimson on my arm and saw my past disappearing, and I looked at the crimson in Kyo's eyes, and in them, I saw the future I would have had with him fading out of my vision.

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**Would I really kill of Yuki? Review if you wanna find out. **

—**Psycho . **


	7. Shigure

Alright, so guys who are either waiting for the continuation of "It Matters" or if you were reading "Old Awakenings and New Beginnings", I AM updating those. It's just taking a while. I've kind of been set on this story, and not been able to focus real good on anything until I'm done with this one. You'd think that with the ADD and all, I could alternate easily, but nope, it just doesn't work that way with stories for me. Writing and drawing are the only things that I can do for hours and hours without getting bored of them. Well, there's rambling on about random things and jumping from subject to subject, OBVIOUSLY, but I don't think that counts for some reason.

**Um…so yeah…reviews would be GREAT. **

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_I never treated Yuki right, and I knew it. _

_But neither did you. We all knew what you did to him, the reason he would walk around with bruises on his face, mutter, "I fell" when his mother asked him. And what a vile woman, she would smirk and say "You should be more careful, Yuki". Oh, but she knew. She knew what you were doing to him; she knew that you were torturing him—mentally and physically. I think Hatori's got to be the one with the second most blame—hell, he treated the child's wounds, he knew first hand what was going on. _

_We all knew what was going on, but I was the only one who knew why. Most of the Sohma's would say, "Well, you know Akito". They'd blame it on mental illness on your part, but you weren't crazy, we both knew that. We both knew why you took everything out on him. _

_He was the child that you were supposed to be. _

_Yuki possessed everything you did—that remarkable beauty, that flawless fighting precision, that amazingly sharp mind—but you thought he had more. He hadn't yet been so tainted by the cruelties of life, or those around him, that he was driven to insanity. And of all things, he was the one thing that you could never be no matter how much you cleaned up your act or improved yourself—he was a male. _

_You saw Yuki as a cleaner, perfected version of you. I noticed and thought it was funny that even his hair, being a few shades lighter and shinier, seemed like a cleaner version of yours'. In that, you were destined both to love and to hate him. To love that absolute perfection of yourself that he represented, and then to hate that he was going to be able to live the life that you couldn't._

_You took to hitting other people and pinning all of your frustration and anger on them, anything just so you wouldn't have to face your own mistakes. But Yuki took to pinning everything on himself. _

_Like how, as Hatori told me, he made a suicide attempt—an attempt to make me guilty, I suppose. He gave up on __**himself**__ and __**his **__life—you gave up on the world. You gave up on __**me, **__just because I happened to be a part of that world._

_Seeing this new child born as essentially a new you, you witnessed your own death. In a way, it must have seemed like God—you know, the __**real**__ God—had admitted that he made mistakes with you, and was going to give it another try with this other child. You thought that God had given up on you. _

_So, I tried to love Yuki. In my own twisted way, I attempted to love him. You saw him as a perfected version of you, you told me that he was the boy that you should have been—well, that made it seem as if loving him would be like loving you, but without the hassle. It sounds cruel, I know—I'm an admittedly cruel person. But the truth is that Yuki just wasn't you. _

_He was too kind to be you. _

_I never wanted a cleaner version of you. I don't care what it says about me (I think it's already abundantly clear that I am not a good man): I was, and still am, in love with the tainted, twisted, abusive, mentally insane, woman that you are._

_Akito…I loved you as you were. _

_It's too late now, though, isn't it?_

_C'est la vie. _

—_Shigure._

Akito clutched the letter in her hands, tears sliding down her cheeks. Tears that she had not permitted freedom in far too long.

"_Shigure…!"_

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I'm letting that rest as it's own chapter. Sorry for the shortness, but I guess I wanted some explanation on Shigure's part. Oh, and I kind of revealed what happened to Yuki, so congrats if you caught that.

Happy Holidays, everyone!

—**Psycho.**


	8. Reborn

**I AM SO SO SORRY I HAVE NOT UPDATED THIS STORY IN FOREVER, SERIOUSLY I CANT BELEIVE IT HAS TAKEN ME THIS LONG TO GET ONE FREAKING CHAPTER UP AND I HAVE A LOT OF EXCUSES BUT I WONT EVEN LIST THEM SO YAH, I'M SORRY!!!!**

**Honestly, this story died inside my head a long time ago. I am really itching to finish up with it and Old Awakenings and New Beginnings, but at the same time, I don't want to cheat any of my awesome readers out of a good ending. But at the same _same_ time, I can't think of any good filler to stick between what just happened and the ending, so I think it's just time for this story to end.**

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_For a second there, I thought you'd disappear._

_It rains a lot this time of year._

_We both go together if one falls down._

_I talk out loud, like you're still around._

_--Coconut Records._

I can't really explain where it was that I went after I passed out. I vaguely remember waking up on the ambulance ride and seeing Kyo's face again, but I couldn't really tell what was going on at the time. Other than that, there was...nothing. There was no light. There was no blackness. There was just nothing. Like I said, it's unexplainable.

Because there's nothing to explain.

But I do remember releif in that moment when I awoke and saw Kyo's face in the ambulance. The scariest part of the nothingness was that I had had no idea that anything was lacking until I woke up and saw everything there wasn't. And then I was, none the less, drawn back into it, and painfully so. I don't think I died for like five seconds or anything, but I know that I had been dangerously unconcious. And I realized the moment I woke up in the hospital, with Kyo and Tohru asleep in the chairs the room had to offer, how much better all this was than nothingness. Basically, being alive is better than nothing, by far.

However, I did awake feeling very empty, as if there was just something missing, and I couldn't figure out what it was until Tohru woke up and jumped up to hug me, not thinking about how the IV's were hooked up and how that would change as soon as I transformed. Funny thing, though, I didn't transform. We both realized it before she could even start the frantic apologies, which _beleive me,_ is saying something.

While there was still the backdrop of melancholy that seemed to linger in my mind, I felt very peaceful. As if everything Kyo had told me was finally sinking in, as if everything I myself had wanted to beleive was true at last. All the anxiety that I'd had bubbled up inside me had just settled, and I suppose some of it was still somewhere in there, but not quite as much, and not as prominent. You can link all the things that happened together any way you want, really; The curse broke because I had tried to kill myself, and that had proven that I didn't need it to survive because I didn't need to survive; The curse had broken because I had finally settled some of my inner demons; My inner demons settled because the curse had broken; I had tried to commit suicide because the curse had broken without me realizing it and the extra stress had made me snap. Like I said, link it together any way you like, because I myself am not sure what happened, but frankly, I don't care, because things are the way they are, regardless of how they happened to become that way.

I told Tohru to keep this to herself for the time being; I didn't know how I would tell the family I was leaving them, but one thing was for sure, _I was leaving them. _I looked out the window, watching the rain slap against it. I loved rain, it always made me feel very peaceful. Everything I thought of when it was raining seemed to make sense, and it seemed that there were forces on my side that I was usually lacking. And, it just happened to be the rain that made Kyo tired and irritable.

Kyo.

Kyo...

He had been there for me this whole time. Maybe the reason I hadn't been able to beleive I loved him was because there were too many things in the way. Actually, it was because I didn't love him. But that didn't mean much, really. Loving someone was something that took time, and I definately cared for Kyo, a lot. Enough that I could look at him and think that I could fall in love with him at some point. And that's pretty amazing even, all by itself, you know? Love, I mean, or even just the promise of it in the future.

It was something that I definately wanted to live for.

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**Don't worry, that's totally not the ending, just a little something I wanted to put up so I could get SOMETHING up already, I'm sorry I neglected this story for so long.**


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